Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
