Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
