Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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