upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
