Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
