Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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