some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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