The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
handjob tips. give me some.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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