i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
