first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
