bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
