Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
