Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
