I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
