so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
