You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
