u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
