she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
