My sheets look like a crime scene.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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