She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
