I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
