I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
