my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
