By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
