I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
