It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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