paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
