If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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