just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
