The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
