he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How external is "for external use only"?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
