i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
