after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
