The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
