quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You ruined the universe
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
