Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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