In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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