Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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