he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize