I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
