im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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