I want to have your abortion
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize