i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
