hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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