you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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