ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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