just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
