So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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