Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
