she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
