I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
