I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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