I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
