If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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