Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
