I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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