Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
