So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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