everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
this is an emotional support booty call
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
