Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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