Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
