I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
