Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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