Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize