my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
